You don’t know what's going on…

I was chatting with a friend recently, and we were discussing awareness of our privileges - financial status, skin colour, culture, children/no children, sexuality, job/work, ethnicity, mental health, gender... (this list is by no means definitive, or in any particular order of hierarchy).

Being aware of one’s privileges is incredibly important as they come with power, whether you like it or not! If you are ignorant to these powers, or ignore them, they can be damaging to others. This damage can be blatant, or unconscious to both parties – regardless, it can still be harmful.

However, I feel personal awareness requires awareness of the ‘awareness’! There can be a personal cost where we (un)consciously discredit our own individual pains because they are ‘less than’ someone else’s pain. Because we are being ‘aware’!

Pain comparison is a really slippery slope - I have witnessed it in those going through fertility treatment (I’m one of the lucky ones because ‘at least’ I can afford this), babyloss grief (gestation at time of death comparison), feelings of not being allowed to talk about financial difficulties because of not being on benefits/having food on the table, not being able to complain about work, because at least you have work etc. You will always, always find someone worse off than you, and this kind of comparison, especially when we direct it towards ourselves due to our privileges, compounds our own pain and can lead to feelings of anxiousness and worthlessness. It is OK to say ‘today sucks’ and just leave it at that.

The important message for me, is that we don’t know what is going on in someone else’s life – it isn’t always visible (especially when privilege becomes the only factor of judgement), so be kind. Other people’s behaviour that doesn’t make sense to you will (mostly) be making sense to the person doing it!